Log in

No account? Create an account
February 2012   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29
Posted on 2012.02.27 at 11:21

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am strong enough for this. I dont know.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Posted on 2010.10.17 at 10:17

"Sorry, Jack, I can't take you and your friends to the skatepark for your birthday like I promised because the Bears are on." - Dad

Goin' to tumblr?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


Posted on 2010.06.12 at 23:19

I wish I were a plant.

I often wish I weren't plagued with being a human. It's a curse. Of all animals, I had to be born this. I feel so unlucky.

I wonder if I'll be happy when I'm older. I wonder if I won't want to die. I wonder if I'll like being alive and a human.

Part of me doesn't want to find out. I feel trapped in this frame like transgender people feel like they've been born in the wrong body. I believe I was born in the wrong species. Anything but this, anything, anything.

I feel strange. I feel like I hit pause and can never hit play. I feel like my skin isn't my own... I feel like I stole it. I feel like what's ahead of me is what I don't want, but I have to get it. It's all the same and that's that.

Sometimes I wish I were normal. And I wouldn't think like myself. I wish I could be someone else. I don't want to have these genes, these things that aren't mine. I want to be like everyone else. I want to be healthy and intact.

I notice such peculiar things. Why do I have to look into every detail in every visual I see? Why can't I be normal? Why do I have to think so differently than everyone else? Some might say I am brilliant, special, and lucky. I say I am cursed.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

He touched my arm in a way that made me really realize that I had an arm.

Posted on 2010.05.26 at 22:26
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: sia
...Livejournal, hai.
I don't exactly know how to start this or what to say because it's been so long since I've written in here. I've been using a paper journal/not journaling.  Not that I regret it.. Nothing really happens to me.

I looked back at some of my old entries and I've decided that I am only a talented writer when I'm sad. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

Junior year comes to an end in only two days. I'm not sure how this summer will go... Let's hope this new, new medicine will work... I doubt it, though.

Hm.. What do I usually write about on these things.. Movies?
I've seen a countless amount since I've last written... Kick-Ass was incredible... Idunno, I saw so many.

Uhm. Bye?
I have to go to sleep, I have to remember to pick Elyse up in the morning.


Posted on 2010.01.21 at 18:03

If you were wondering.

Posted on 2010.01.20 at 17:10

Go there.
Ask me any question you want, anonymously.

2009, I hate your slimy guts.

Posted on 2009.12.30 at 03:23
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: Silversun Pickups
Hey LivejournalLand. Miss me? 
2009 will forever remain the year I had more suicidal thoughts than the number of years I've lived on this Earth.  When I reminisce about the past 12 months, I think of nothing but deceit and depression.  If I could erase this pathetic excuse of a teen year from my life altogether, I would do so with great pleasure.

January called for the ending of a happiness high that I hoped would last a lifetime.  My bipolarity was working, for once, in my favor- giving me a happy so vivid and alive that I could cry with laughter again for the first time in years.  The One Acts came to an end, and so did the high spirits.  I had a crash.  The worst since I was damned with the disease of bipolarity in the first grade.  I missed a full week of school due to my incessant self-loathing. For no reason at all, and completely out of the blue on timing, I experienced my first thoughts of self murder.  I could not bring myself to even sit up in bed.  I not only terrified my family with my behavior, but my beloved favorite teacher, Mr Brown, as well.  It was Journalism Sectionals and I was not feeling up to it in the least.  My absences from class and the pre-tournament party at Brown's, scared him to the point of constant emails and phone calls.  Knowing I could trust him, I divulged my unnerving thoughts and details of my plague to Brown in what was probably the longest email ever written.  I went to sectionals with intent for failure.  Brown sat with me on the bus and spoke of how much he could relate to the situation, and how much alike the two of us are in the way that we are willingly both antisocial and self-critical.  That was the day that I will forever remember as the day I discovered I am not alone.  I got a second place medal for my event and a ticket to the State competition.  I hoped things would soon start to get better. 
February teased with my romantic emotions.  After the awkward turning-down of Brandon in December, I was ready to have someone to kiss again.  I started to act in a more confident manner around school and caught the attention of a kid named Kyle.  His flattery was refreshing at the time and he even made me a bracelet (which I admit to still wearing to this day).  It was all just flirting though, and I knew nothing would ever come of it.  It did boost my self-esteem rather nicely, though.  But when he started to pester me about hanging out, I decided it would be best if we just stopped being all flirty with each other, considering I had no feelings for him.  I was just lonely.  Thank goodness I realized this was my reason for my actions before I made the mistake of going out with him.  Also, this month was the one Cody decided he would talk to me again. I was disgusted at who he had become after I broke up with him the previous summer and honestly wanted nothing to do with him.  He explained his actions with surprising eloquence and we began to become close friends again.
In March we became more than that.  It was Spring Break and I had had it with the kid.  I started to think talking to him again was a huge mistake.  I figured out he didn't grow out of his passion for nonstop lying when I discovered he was often doing drugs.  Not that this was of any concern to me at all.  I don't care if the idiots at my school toke up every day of their lives, I just don't want to be lied to about it.  On that same day, Cody walked all the way to my house in the cold with a rose and a note.  I told him to leave and he sullenly walked away.  I read the note and it simply read "This is what I could think of.  You mean a lot to me." (Er, something along those lines.)  I felt bad. I donned the nearest jacket and began briskly walking through the cold to find him.  When I did, he asked what I feared he would.  And, I, being the complete moron that I am, obliged.  From that moment on, however, he and I were inseparable.  This turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.  I don't recall which month State was, but I'm just going to fit it in here.  It was intensely great.  I got 5th place and the respect of my role models.  I bunked with Devon, Mal, and Cassie.  Their midnight stories were of none that I could relate to at all.  My virgin ears were soiled and I enjoyed every minute of it.  It made me long for the independent life the three of them would have in the short period of a few months that I had to wait two fucking years for.  Life was unfair.
April consisted of spending every waking moment with Cody.  Only great memories were had.  I can also recall struggling through the horror that was English II Honors, this month, too.  I spent Easter at Chuck E Cheese with Lori and Jack and all the Jews and Wiccans. 
In May I got my driver's license and was, therefore, never home.  Every spare moment I had was spent with Cody.  I was so happy with the two of us that at this point, I was blinded to the fact of how little I was getting in return for all my great efforts.  Every outing we had was planned by me, every little cute random gift or surprised was given by me.  But this fact was, as I said, neglected by my brain at this point.  Cody and I went to the city and I got my monroe done.  It hurt like hell.  The piercer, Ruth, was an image though.  Stunningly beautiful and her tattoos all had a deep story behind them.  I really enjoyed meeting her.  While in the city, I took Cody to my favorite stores.  I showed him where I got all of the thoughtful gifts I'd given him, blind to the fact that I had received none in return.  (Not that I am one to expect lavish gifts!  I just wanted some effort on his part.  Not once had he done anything for me.  I realize now, after a lot of long chats with my mother, that this shadows perfectly the marriage of my parents.)  Cody bought a hoodie at my favorite store and it was an overall great day.
Finally the horror that was sophomore year ended in June.  Also, this was the month I had the most intense adrenaline rush I can remember ever having.  I was at Cody's house on a Friday while his parents were at work.  Dear reader, do not get the wrong idea.  It was innocent, as I remain to this day to be.  We were watching his collection of Hey! Arnold episodes and cuddling in his room when we heard the garage door open.   Insert panic here.  Thankfully,  was driven by my sister so my car was not in the driveway.  It was Cody's stepdad.  Oh, and let me just say for the knowledge of you all, that both of Cody's parents were absolute bitches and should be killed in a huge painful fire.  Anyway, we heard him coming up the stairs and if I was to be found there, oh, Lord.  I don't even want to imagine.  Well, I hid in the closet. I watched the events of Cody stumbling over words to his dad through a crack in the wood door of my hiding place.  My heart had never beaten so rapidly in all my life.  I was crying so much I had to cover my mouth out of fear I'd let some noise escape my lips.  His dad got in the shower.  I called my sister and told her to "get her fucking ass to Cody's the fastest way possible or I might die" and hung up.  About 3 minutes later, Cody peered through the crack in the closet door to say in the loudest whisper ever, "YOUR SISTER IS IN THE DRIVEWAY, TELL HER TO LEAVE, MY DAD WILL SEE THE CAR!"  Another shaky call to Katie.  I told her to meet me at 7-11.  The second Katie pulled out of the driveway, Cody's stepdad came out of the shower and left for work again.  I waited a good 5 or 6 minutes before emerging from my hiding place.  I had never been so scared in my life.  June was also the start of The Jungle Book, but this will be further explained when I describe July.  June was filled with CodyMelissa time.  Countless chalk drawings, cookie bakings, long summer walks, late-night drives, movie watchings later, I started to think that I might love Cody.  Not little kid love, legitimate love.  My heart was beemingly happy. 
July was the month of my favorite summer tradition- the children's play.  I was beyond excited, recalling how much fun the past summers had been there, until I walked in to see the seat next to my friends occupied by my forever nemesis, Adrian.  It's a shame my "friends" still hang out with her.  I sure hope they grow up soon and realize what a hopeless case that pathetic girl is.  I honestly hate that girl.  Hate not even being a strong enough word.  I was given the part of Bagheera, despite my not being a favorite of the directors.  Also bearing the same part was my unattractive rival.  I was happy at how much I outshone her in the final performances.  And no, this is not me being egotistical, this is me sharing with you the same remark I was told by several of the audience goers.  (Plenty of them being "friends" of Adrian's.  Hah, some loyal friends you guys are!  You are all a joke to me.)  I spent my time with Cody when not at the play.  I was happy.  I had the most fun in the world.   He called my mom "mom" and treated Jack as his own brother.  He was part of the family.  He really was.  I got my first job this month at JC Penney.  Little did I know it would be like working in Hell.
August brings death to my heart.  Everything was fine.  I always think that.  I don't know how to begin to describe this.  Cody had spent the entire day at my house, minus us going to the movies together.  It was fine.  I drove him home because he told me his mom wanted him home right then, and that she had just texted him saying so.  He left and I turned around to go home.  I was almost there when I heard and unfamiliar phone ringing in the passenger seat.  It was Cody's, and Anthony was calling.  I didn't answer in time. I figured it was Cody calling to say he left his phone there and to drop it off.  Two seconds later a text from Anthony appeared.  I opened it and it affirmed just that.  I was surprised to see the previous text, however, was not from Cody's mother.  But from a girl who will remain nameless.  The contents bothered me (not anything like he was cheating... but he knew I was not fond of this girl and drugs! Again! After he promised in March he was done!)  I turned around to bring the phone back, livid.  AND LET ME SAY FOR THE RECORD, I did NOT snoop through his phone.  This wasn't even an issue later, anyway.  But just saying. I got to his house and there he was standing there with Anthony.  Obviously his mom was not even home.  So she did not text him saying to come home... in fact, Cody had just used that as a lie so he could go do drugs.  Before throwing the phone at his face and driving home, I realized how many times this must have happened before considering this whole mom text thing has been said multiple times before.  I was lied to.  I got home and answered a call from Cody.  He was SCREAMING at me. He called me so many hateful things!  He went on and on as he explained how "Anthony and Justin agree with him and that I'm horrible and he should fucking dump me already."  And that he did.  Cue bawling.  I was up all night with my mom.  She was dumbfounded at what an absolute moron this kid turned out to be after she opened up her home and heart to him as if he were her own child.  My brother heard the fuss and bawled his eyes out too, realizing he lost his older brother.  Cody will never know what a great thing he missed out on.  I gave him so much.  He will never again get that much caring from anyone in his life and I am sure of that.  Needless to say, I was in a great deep depression.  I literally did not eat for three whole days.  I slept one or two hours a day for week and the tears were not slowing down.  My mom was livid with Cody for doing this to me and for being so selfish and ungrateful and such a worthless liar.  My life was Cody.  And he just left.  Everything was a lie.  Every fun memory we shared.  It was all fake.  I dyed my hair because I wanted to look different from when I was happy.  I felt like I would never feel happiness again and I no matter how hard I tried, could not imagine myself being happy in the future at all.  When school came, I was a mess.  He walked by me without a care, without pain, without even a glance toward me, while every time I saw him I felt a deep pang in my heart that caused me to lose all of my breath.  I felt death every time I saw him be so happy and pain free while I was so broken.  I switched out of my history class with Nixon because he too, shared that class with me.  I couldn't handle it.  I kept a tab of what I felt each day in my agenda when I was in that class, hoping to notice a change for the better sooner or later.  But when none came, I had to get out.  Especially when I saw him wearing, with no grief at all, the hoodie he bought on our trip to Chicago.
September brought no good news.  I walked this month as if I were a zombie.  Constantly somber and mute.  I wish the feeling of pure heartbreak on not even my worst enemies.  I wish for no one to feel the intense emotional, mental, and physical toll it takes on the body.  I can describe it in no other way other than mocking death.  It feels like you want to die so badly but you can't... It feels like you are dying, but you just won't completely die.  You are in constant pain.  I can't even begin to explain it.  It's unbelievable.
October was the busiest fucking piece of shit month ever.  I regret SO MUCH becoming double truck editor.  No more stress is needed in my life.  I HATE IT.  My birthday began with an early coffee shop shift, a horrid schoolday, and then layout until 10 fucking o'clock.  It was a horrible horrible day.  I tried out for the all school play (or was this November?) and was amazed and surprised to see my name listed as the lead role on the cast list.  I was ecstatic.  I also figured out that the petty values of Jen, Victoria, and Lauren are just absolutely revolting.  Also, I worked every fucking day the past two months.  Working at JC Penney has to be the worst job in the world and I suggest it to no one.  I worked til midnight almost every fucking weeknight.  I want that place to burst into flames.
November was absolute hell.  The play proved to be a huge challenge.  I was expected to memorize 400 lines, design a fucking newspaper, and survive Swine Flu simultaneously.  It was horrible.  I adored my costumes, but that's all I want to remember about Done to Death.  It was a horrible experience.  The paper was crap this month.  My health looked nowhere but down.  I feared my last year on Earth would be 2009.  What a horrible thought that was.  Thanksgiving was just another day.  Except we ate dinner at 3 and dad was over.  That's it.  Boy, this year my dad really pissed me off.  I quit that job at JC Penney, with support from mom.  Thank fucking God. This month I added a boy named Dylan on Facebook because I had seen him around at school and at Dairy Mart.  I didn't expect anything to happen other than he would click accept.  He did that, and two seconds later a Facebook IM popped up. Him: Hey!  Me: Hola  Him: Como estas?   Me: Asi asi, y tu?   Him: Bien, gracias.  Hablas ingles?   Me: Indeed I do.  And that was how it started.  From there, noting that the time was around 9 p.m., we talked until 5 in the morning.  I couldn't believe someone went to Huntley High School that was just like me.  We talked nonstop for the rest of the weekend and he asked me to have breakfast with him before school that Monday.  Cue the most nervous I've ever been.  That Monday I acted a fool and fumbled over words I usually found easy to interpret.  But for some reason this kid gave me butterflies.  A lot of them.  I had developed, honestly, my first crush.  It sounds childish, but this is 100% true.  We talked nonstop, we stayed after school together for hours sometimes just chatting.  Then, one day he kissed me on the cheek and I about died.  That weekend we went on a date to IHOP, and I felt like maybe this kid was worth it.  He asked me out 5 days later and I giddily accepted.  For two weeks I was smitten with this fellow.  I kissed him.  It was the first kiss I've ever had besides with Cody.  Ana told me that Cody had moved to South Carolina to live with his dad and it literally had no affect on me.  This was the greatest thing to happen all year.  I was over that jerk.  Dylan and I shared a day of first kisses.  First kiss while driving, first Walmart kiss, first kiss in the little flower room in Jewel, first kiss in the rain.  It was so cute and I fell for him.   Hey guess what, out of the blue it's over!  I'm guessing this doesn't come as a shock to any of you by now.  I told Dylan I was feeling a little stressed but was scared to discuss it with him because I thought he would overreact.  He did just that.  He made up this tangled story in his head that since I hadn't talked to him about that, I was faking everything and that I wasn't really happy myself, I just tried everything I could to make him happy... that I was secretly miserable.  WHAT THE FUCK.  If I made him happy, it was because I just DID!  I didn't even try to make him happy!  All of this was not true!  He sure did stick with it though.  That day I decided every boy in the world is a fucking prick,  I care WAY too much for my own good, and Brittany Hartnett is the biggest bitch at out godforsaken school.  Two days later, Dylan had a date with a slutty looking girl named Kenna.  Fuck my life.  Nothing is real.  I am convinced there is not a boy in the world that will make me happy.
December. Finally.   The last month of a horrid and sadly unforgettable year.  I was struck with Swine Flu AGAIN!  This time 3,000,000 times worse than before.  I was out of school for an entire week and am still trying to make up missing work.  Like I even care about my grades anymore.  I went into a deep depression again, and it was so bad my mom decided to trick me into taking me to the psychiatrist. Oh what fun.  Let's just say it was the worst experience of my life.  It was basically just a half hour of my mom venting to this nervous awkward looking doctor about how horrible I am.  What a fun car ride home!  I am currently on bipolar/depression/freak-emo-disturbed-child medicines that so far, have done nothing to help me.  Christmas lightened my spirits a bit when I opened the Spongebob clad wrapping paper to find practically a new wardrobe of beautiful beautiful clothes!  But overall, this year was my worst one yet.

If 2010 brings worse news, I shall die.
Don't let the horrors of 2009 haunt me.
Let this new decade bring me joy.  I'm desperate.<input ... ></input><input ... >

i miss yellow lines in my roads, some color in monochrome, maybe i'll paint them in myself.

Posted on 2009.12.11 at 00:22
Current Mood: dead
Current Music: matt and kim <3 <3 <3 <3
hi, i'm melissa and i'm eating grasshopper cookies right now.

matt and kim matt and kim matt and kim

i appreciate:
  • bradley making me a song
  • joe making me laugh
  • ashly giving me the cutest hug in the world
  • joanna promising me a night out
  • rachel being the friend she's always been
  • seth talking like he's from scooby doo with me
  • haley wanting me around and missing me
  • jack being my slave
  • sarah saying cute things
  • craig bringing me red robin fries
  • brown always calling me worried
  • victoria putting images of ice cream chocolate and hot boys in my head

mom made me change my background on my laptop because it was racist



Posted on 2009.12.09 at 13:55



This is soooo fucking good.

Posted on 2009.12.09 at 13:48
Current Mood: soresore
Current Music: kid cudi

Kid Cudi featuring MGMT!?


January 6, Milwaukee, NO OPENING BANDS<3

Previous 10